WHAT IF'S

I keep this photo in my living room right where I can see it every single day. It was taken by my father, and I just love the emotions that seep through the grainy black and white paper. It's a terrific photo in terms of artistic qualities ... but there's something deeper about this photo for me.

Friends have come into my house, have seen the photo, and sort of laughed ... "that's you?" They say, seemingly entertained by the "hell on wheels" attitude my chubby little self seemed to have.

Yes, it's me. Circa 3 years old ... give or take.

No one has ever asked me why I keep it out so everyone can see. I'm sure there are those among my friends who may think it slightly vain to have such an artifact so front and center. There's a reason it's out in plain view, though, and it's the furthest thing from vain.

See, this little photographic piece of my history is a daily reminder of what it really looks like to live untethered ... unfettered ... completely free ... to live without regrets ... to live without stereotypes ... to live like there isn't any other day except this one. I keep it out to remind me every day that I only get this one life ... better make it the best life I can. I tend to lose sight of that sometimes ...

Every once in a while, I fall into a "WHAT IF" mode. I replay scenes from my past, and I ask myself "what if you'd done that differently?" I have this complex brain ... one that flirts with depression. If I dwell on the what if's long enough, I fall into a deep swirl of regret.

Life is too short for regret. Mistakes? Sure, we make 'em. Some of us, we seem to swim in a sea of mistakes. Seriously, though, what do they matter if we're learning from them? It's all part of living ... living free.

I have this picture out because I didn't know regret then. There wasn't an ounce of self-consciousness in that little body. There weren't any social stigmas ... nothing keeping me from believing I could fly.

I keep the photo to remind me that WHAT IF'S aren't worth dwelling on. Yeah, what if I'd treated my high school boyfriend better? Maybe we would have dated longer ... but then maybe I wouldn't be here ... in this moment ... loving the crap out of my life ...

I want to come to the end of this life ... where ever and when ever that place and time is, and just be so grateful for the moments of sheer joy ... like the moment in that photo.

A picture says a thousand words ... a life time maybe only one ... I guess in the end it doesn't really matter as long as there aren't any regrets ...