Tuesday, November 08, 2016

THE SS STRUGGLE BUS

Everything is soooooo very good right now.

And at the very same time, everything is such a struggle right now.

Ever have one of those moments in life?

I call them moments ... right now, it seems like this looooong, crazy whirlwind of a tornado that has been on a touchdown rotation for a heckuva of long time now.

Have to keep reminding myself that it is just a moment. In the whole grand, sweeping landscape of time, it's just a moment.

So, what does this moment look like?

I am at a place in my career that I never thought I'd be at ... I can't even begin to form into words the place I am in currently ... working for the people that I am working for ... doing things some teachers only dream of doing ... I am working many of my colleagues' dream job right now.

And yet I struggle ...

I am living the dream of some women.  Women who never discovered who they were before they saddled themselves with a dream of a filmy, white dress and giant party ... before reality truly sank in ... before they realized that real life was bills and work and groceries and compromise and putting someone else's feelings in the front of the line ...

I have done a lot on my own .... bought a house on my own ... negotiated the purchase of a car ... I get to choose when I do stuff as well as the stuff I do without checking on someone else's desire .... if I want to paint all of my walls Pepto-Bsimal pink, I can! I don't have to check with someone else's decorating tastes.

And yet I struggle ...

I have felt the most vulnerable I've ever felt in the last few months. You see, I have crafted a tough exterior. For a lot of reasons, I've had to ... as a result, I don't let a lot of people in. I don't trust easily.

The last few months I've felt as though my crusty exterior has been crumbling due to a variety of outsides sources, and the fragile core has been exposed and vulnerable ... I haven't liked the feeling.

Basically, I have commandeered the Struggle Bus, and it's careening down the side of a mountain, with just two wheels firmly planted on terra firma. The riders on the bus are hanging out the windows, some of them screaming for dear life.

I will gladly hand the keys over ... heck! I'd gladly get off the bus.

For the time being, I am buckled into the Struggle Bus for the long haul ... I've activated the air bags ... and I will be the one on this old thing screaming the loudest as I continue down this twisty, turny mountain road.

This is just a moment.


No comments: