Friday, August 31, 2007

5th GRADE CONVERSATION

My friend, Kim, relayed this story yesterday. Too funny!

Kim walked down the hall after lunch and saw one of her 5th graders stuffing an ice cream sandwich in his pocket.

"Lyle! What are you doing? That's going to melt in your pocket!"

"I know that, Mrs. McCoy! That's why I am taking it to my locker."

What is even more funny is that Lyle came to me after school and said, "Hey where is the academic team meeting?"

You can't write comedy like that, folks!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

TOO TIRED TO THINK STRAIGHT

Wow! I've been in school for half a quarter. Hard to believe.

Feels like I've been in school for a full SEMESTER.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining.

I'm just tired.

I am overwhelmed, and I feel like I can work and work and work, and I still don't get anywhere.

As a result, I am too tired to think.

So, when I went to a baby shower this afternoon after school, it never even occurred to me that it might actually be bad form to come, eat, and leave WITHOUT leaving a gift!

A gift? I needed to bring a gift to a baby shower?

Huh ....

Sunday, August 26, 2007

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME ABOUT YOUR WHO-HA

Yesterday was a "bum day." I stayed at home and did very little around the house. There was sleeping, napping, professional reading, and watching a lot of crap TV to be done.

During a channel surfing episode, I happened upon a reality TV program showcasing a 22-year old girl who announced to me, and the rest of the Saturday afternoon population who also had the misfortune to land on this particular station, that she was excited to be undergoing a cosmetic surgical procedure on her who-ha.

Okay, and I wanted to know about this WHY????

Let me reword that. I didn't want to know this! What you do with your who-ha is your own business, thank you.

I sat in stunned silence as this poor sap went into very graphic detail about how and what the cosmetic surgeon was going to do to her who-ha. To make matters worse, the producers of this riveting. mind-tingling piece of crap they pass off as "good TV," had the ridiculous idea to sit this chick down AT A RESTAURANT ... yes, a public place ... WITH FRIENDS, one of them being of the male persuasion, so that she could announce to them that she was having surgery done on her who-ha!

You could visibly see the poor guy literally shrink to the size of his fork full of pasta as she decided to go into ugly detail about why she felt the who-ha surgery would be a fantastic change for her life.

I'm sorry. Did we solve world hunger, and I just didn't know about it? Is that why we are creating reality about who-ha surgeries?????

Saturday, August 25, 2007

TO ALL ROCKET SCIENTISTS

To all the rocket scientists I traveled behind yesterday evening (after finally leaving work at 7 p.m.), who kept flicking cigarettes out of their car windows:

Hi, ummm ... yeah. Did you not notice the 100 degree temperatures outside for the last 80 million days??????

Has the scorched earth surrounding you at EVERY FRIGGIN' TURN gone unnoticed?

Yeah, ummm ... two words for you: WILD. FIRES.

Seriously ... how come you haven't come up with a solution for World Peace? Boggles my mind ...

Friday, August 24, 2007

FRUSTRATION

I am frustrated.



Frustration makes me anxious.



Anxiety makes me mad.



Me mad makes everyone else unhappy.



It's an ugly cycle.


I'm not good with patience. It's not my strong suit.


I hate waiting. I know, the old adage ... the best things are the ones you wait longest for ... or however that stupid saying goes.


I'm sick of waiting! It stinks.


I am tired of people expecting me to be the epitome of understanding and love but not willing to afford me the same courtesy.


I'm weary of the constant need to pussy-foot around people because they might be having a bad day, but then being told to suck it up when I am having one. To quote the Black-Eyed Peas, "Where is the love?"


Speaking of love, I am sick of that whole scene too. Sick of seeing someone I'm interested in and being turned down ... flat out ... I'm left feeling like there is something wrong with me, and frankly, I don't see it. I've met some pretty screwed up people in my time that have done some pretty screwed up things. So, either, the world is pretty screwed up, and I just don't fit in it ... or it's time for me to just give up on the Year of Love ... throwing my hands in the air in defeat. GIVE.UP.


You've got it. I'm whining. And I don't want to get one comment back about me sucking it up ... stop whining ... if you feel the need, just roll it back in the bag!


Why can't I whine?


Why can't I complain?


Everybody else gets to!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

DESPERATE IS ...

A conversation with my good buddy Carrie about dating ...

Me: I just don't want to come off as this whiny, desperate woman. [said in a whiny, voice, by the way]

Carrie: Megan! Desperate is shopping at a trailer park! Desperate is putting a flyer up at grocery store!

Me: Desperate is writing your OWN number on bathroom stalls.

Carrie: That's right! Desperate is writing your own phone number on the butt of your sweat pants' ...

Me: Right under the words ANGEL or BABY GIRL?

Carrie: That's right!

Me: You realize we're making our own version of a Yoplait Yogurt commercial?

Carrie: Yes, I know!

Me: You realize this will be blogged about?

Carrie: Yes, I know!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

EMAIL CONVERSATION WITH THE FRAZZLED SISTER

Me: Hey, Ann, they have got DELL computer boxes here at school. They are the good boxes cuz they've got the handy handles. If you would like more, how many should I get?

Ann: I wish I knew. Stuff keeps multiplying.

Me: [what I wanted to say, but knew she wouldn't appreciate it in her current state] Sucks to be you ...

Moving is fun, right?

Monday, August 20, 2007

A LITTLE HUMOR ON A MONDAY!

My Uncle Ev sent this to me. It made me laugh out loud ... for a good long time. Definitely a great one to share with the rest of my readership.

"When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'."

Sunday, August 19, 2007

CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN SISTERS

My sister, Ann, is buying a house. Well, I should put that in the past tense, because she signed on the dotted line last week. She is now officially a Big Girl.

My mother says that when you get Ann and I in the same room, and you get us wound up, we're a hoot to listen to. I suppose that's the case. But my mother insists that it is, indeed, true, and to further her cargument, she reminded me of the time Ann went down a grocery store aisle, saying, very loudly, "Mommy! Mommy! I've lost my mommy!"

Ann was in her 20s, and I was laughing so hard I almost wet my pants.

It was Ann's ode to our father's favorite movie of all time, MEATBALLS. He's a very discerning film critic, my dad.

We're just goofy like that.

So, yesterday, Ann and I were at Ann's new place, with her friend Johanna. I got stuck cleaning the schmeg off of every surface the former owners never dreamed of cleaning ... surfaces like, well, floors, for instance.

Anyway, mid-way through the day, some guy pulled up to her place.

"Hey, Ann," I shout as I pass by her door. "Some guy in a van with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, just pulled up."

"What the heck?" She muttered as she went to the door. "Oh, he's here to fix the siding."

"Cool." I reply. "Is he cute?"

"Is he cute? Why, do you want his number?"

"I'm just sayin'!"

The guy busied himself with the siding and that cigarette, and I busied myself with dumping some grotesque water outside in her new backyard.

Me and my crap sweatpants made our way to the back, dumped the water, and headed back to the house. The siding guy, meanwhile, had disembarked from the ladder and had been standing there watching my butt in the air, I am sure, as I dumped the water.

"Hi!" He smiled.

"Hello," I replied.

"How are you," he said, grabbing hold of the ladder.

"I'm good, and yourself?"

"I'm fantastic."

"That's great," I smiled as I walked inside.

"Hey, Ann. Your handyman and I just had a moment."

"A moment?"

"Yep, we had a moment."

"Whatever!"

********************
Later on that day ...

"Meg, what do you think about me leaving the trim dark and just painting the walls white? I sort of like the contrast."

"I'm not a fan. It looks like Ode to Brady Bunch. 'Here's a story, of a lovely lady, who-o bought a brand new house in Lexington' ..."

"SHUT UP!"

"I'm just sayin' ..."

WHAT IF'S

I keep this photo in my living room right where I can see it every single day. It was taken by my father, and I just love the emotions that seep through the grainy black and white paper. It's a terrific photo in terms of artistic qualities ... but there's something deeper about this photo for me.

Friends have come into my house, have seen the photo, and sort of laughed ... "that's you?" They say, seemingly entertained by the "hell on wheels" attitude my chubby little self seemed to have.

Yes, it's me. Circa 3 years old ... give or take.

No one has ever asked me why I keep it out so everyone can see. I'm sure there are those among my friends who may think it slightly vain to have such an artifact so front and center. There's a reason it's out in plain view, though, and it's the furthest thing from vain.

See, this little photographic piece of my history is a daily reminder of what it really looks like to live untethered ... unfettered ... completely free ... to live without regrets ... to live without stereotypes ... to live like there isn't any other day except this one. I keep it out to remind me every day that I only get this one life ... better make it the best life I can. I tend to lose sight of that sometimes ...

Every once in a while, I fall into a "WHAT IF" mode. I replay scenes from my past, and I ask myself "what if you'd done that differently?" I have this complex brain ... one that flirts with depression. If I dwell on the what if's long enough, I fall into a deep swirl of regret.

Life is too short for regret. Mistakes? Sure, we make 'em. Some of us, we seem to swim in a sea of mistakes. Seriously, though, what do they matter if we're learning from them? It's all part of living ... living free.

I have this picture out because I didn't know regret then. There wasn't an ounce of self-consciousness in that little body. There weren't any social stigmas ... nothing keeping me from believing I could fly.

I keep the photo to remind me that WHAT IF'S aren't worth dwelling on. Yeah, what if I'd treated my high school boyfriend better? Maybe we would have dated longer ... but then maybe I wouldn't be here ... in this moment ... loving the crap out of my life ...

I want to come to the end of this life ... where ever and when ever that place and time is, and just be so grateful for the moments of sheer joy ... like the moment in that photo.

A picture says a thousand words ... a life time maybe only one ... I guess in the end it doesn't really matter as long as there aren't any regrets ...



Wednesday, August 15, 2007

ASSIMILATION

It's happening, and it seems that I am powerless to stop it. I am slowly turning into a southern girl. You want proof, you say?

My dear friend Denise and I were on the phone the other night, and I dared to say to her, "I miss all you all."

Immediately, I knew what I'd done, and so I said, rather sheepishly, "I can't believe I just said that."

Denise's response? She laughed ... OUT LOUD!

Then, I realized yesterday, I was calling my kids, "Baby." In the south, when you are talking to a child, you might say, "What do you want, Baby?"

In the north, you are more than likely considered a pervert if you do that!

It was with shock that it dawned on me, "OH MY GOSH!! I have been using BABY with my kids!"

Good glory! The assimilation is beginning!!!

Monday, August 13, 2007

MISSING THIS?


Did anyone happen to drop this in my bathroom about a month ago?

I'm just asking because I picked it up, not really thinking much about it, and stuck it in my make-up bag. Then, the other day, I grabbed it, swiped it over my powder, and proceeded to scrape the crap out of my face!

Apparently, I was exfoliating my face with a paint brush!
I am really hoping that someone claims it. Otherwise, I am slightly put off by its sudden appearance ...

Sunday, August 12, 2007

PHOTO MONTAGE OF TURKEY THINGY

... if a montage can consist of two photos, then behold! A TURKEY THINGY montage ...

This is the banquet room with auction items ready for viewing. Note all the hunting themed prints. Note also, to the right of your screen, the four hunters in the background ... talking about shooting things, I am sure. That or world peace ...

An action shot! This is Erin doing something very important ... not sure what, but it's definitely important!

THE GULLIBILITY FACTOR

It is a widely known fact among my family that, as a child, I was gullible. In fact, now that I think back on it, I was more than gullible. I don't know if there is a word that is stronger than gullible ... SUPER fleecable? Extra-strength dumb as a box of rocks???

Whatever it is called, I was that way.

As a child, my dad once convinced me that the Free Methodist Church was named such because they didn't take offerings.

When I was itty-bitty, he assured me that Amish pigs were different than the pigs we had around town. According to Papa, Amish pigs had beards! Do you know that I spent a good portion of a one day trip in Shipshewana, Indiana, looking for those ding-danged bearded pigs?

Then, once, when we took a trip across the border to Canada, my dad tag-teamed with my Uncle Ken to get me to believe that I needed to listen very carefully to the Canadians when they talked. "They speak a foreign language over there in that foreign country."

I embarrassed the whole car-load when I announced, loudly and obnoxiously, that the border guard didn't speak a different language. He spoke English like the rest of us.

The guard was not impressed in the least!

Having been molded under many of my father's stupid, hair-brained stories, I've always felt like I am impervious to that crap as an adult.

That is until last night ...

In order to be at the Turkey Thingy Banquet, where there was much libation to be had, if you were of legal age, you had to wear a plastic bracelet thingy. I have sensitive skin. So, after about 3 hours wearing that stupid bracelet, my wrist was driving me crazy.

I turned to Erin and asked if she knew whether Joe had a pair of scissors in his Box O' Turkey Thingy Tricks.

Erin immediately turned to a friend of theirs that had been hanging out with us and said to him, "Hey, do you have a jack-knife we could borrow to cut off Megan's bracelet?"

He looked right at me, straight-faced, and said, "Nope, but I've got a straight-edged knife in my boot."

Now, you should know that I get this look on my face when I am desperately trying to process whether someone has told me something that sounds suspiciously like crap, but does have a hint of plausibility. This face is me, with my mouth sort of hanging open in an imbecile meets Barbie kind of way ... I am sure it's extremely attractive and ever so alluring.

So, I am looking at this guy with my "Imbecile Meets Barbie" look, and Erin rolls her eyes and announces, "You are so full of crap!"

"Oh good!" I say, relieved. Erin just looks at me with this "I can't believe you fell for that" look.

I told my mother about it today, and I think I heard her fall off of her chair, immediately proceeded by, "Oh Megan! You didn't believe that, did you? Good grief!"

I WAS AT A TURKEY BANQUET THINGY SURROUNDED BY MEN THAT WERE SALIVATING OVER PUMP-ACTION SHOT GUNS!!!! He could, very well, have had a knife in his boot! It seemed logical at the time ...

Right?

THE TURKEY THINGY

About a month ... month and a half ago, I offered to help my friends, Joe and Erin, out with this Turkey Banquet thingy that Joe was putting together. They were sort of in a bind, and I told them I wouldn't mind at all helping them out. Joe immediately took me up on the offer and suggested I could "work the door" with Erin.

Tonight was the Turkey Thingy.

Now, see, it isn't really called a TURKEY THINGY, but I, unofficially, named it that because a.) the whole banquet revolves around wild turkeys, and b.) I didn't know the real name, and c.) because I really like using the word "thingy."

What I didn't know was that there is actually a group of men and women out in this world that pay money, on a yearly basis, to be in a club celebrating wild turkeys. Who knew! And this club is a National deal. It's the National Wild Turkey Federation ... otherwise known, in my book, as the Turkey Thingy.

There is an entire sub-culture out there of wild turkey hunters. They have their own language ... wardrobe (consisting of lots of camo) ... home decor ... secret handshakes, and a constant talk of itchy trigger fingers ... hmmm.

Erin was afraid I wouldn't have any fun, but what she doesn't realize is that I come from a long line of people watchers, and this event was an amazing venue for just such a sport! There were definitely some VERY GOOD views ... that's all that needs to be said on that subject.

There are many in this world that travel to far off lands ... they immerse themselves in the culture, try their ethnic cuisine, bask in the essence of difference.

Me? I move two states away, get excited over seeing coal trains, drink my weight in sweet tea and eat my weight in country green beans, marvel at the harvesting of tobacco, and ask the stupidest questions about things that seem so commonplace to everyone else ...AND I attend Turkey Thingies! Let's not forget that one!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

WEEKEND PLANS?

Whew!

Am I ever ready for the weekend ...

....a weekend where I will probably sit around and watch all the dust and cat hair roll around my house like tumbleweed, and I will say to myself, "Self, you ought to get up off your lazy, cellulite-filled BUTT, and do something about this filth."

At which point, I will roll over and pretend I never saw it!

What are your plans?

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

RECORD TEMPERATURES

I could really do without this massive heat wave hitting all of Kentucky.

No one checked with me first to see if it was convenient to plan one of these things at this particular moment in my life.

If they had, I would have surely told them, "No, I am sorry. Schedule it for another time. Thank you so much!"

Monday, August 06, 2007

A WORD ABOUT MELTING

We are studying matter in 4th grade Science. The concepts my students will need to know? That a solid can be changed to a liquid, a liquid can be changed to a gas, and so on and so forth.

Just today, I've also come to the conclusion that a HUMAN mass can be changed to both liquid and gas ... especially if that HUMAN mass teaches in a school in which the air conditioning has died AND it's 95 degrees outside at 10 A.M. AND the heat index is 107 degrees!

I know this because my Capri pants are now looser than they were this morning when I struggled to get the zipper all the way up.

When I went into the office during my lunch break to use the staff bathroom, I said to our OFFICE MASTER OF ALL, Kela, "Kela, if you hear screaming coming from the bathroom. Be prepared with some powder or Vaseline. The screaming means I've gotten my pants down, but I can't wrestle them back up!"

Thankfully, I didn't need Kela's help. They were a cinch to pull up! I am quite certain I lost 5 pounds just in sweat! I am well on my way to a major mass change!

Sunday, August 05, 2007

PLEASE MEET CHARLOTTE


Charlotte is my "pet" spider. She lives outside of my window, and she only comes out at night. She has been with me all summer, and, as long as she remembers her place in this world, i.e., to stay outdoors, we will continue to be good friends. The minute she decides to come into warmer climes, Charlotte is taking a trip in the TUBULAR TUNNEL, otherwise known as the toilet.

INDOOR CONTROL

I have had trouble with spiders ... outrageous numbers of them ... since I moved down here. I was just on a website (http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/housingandclothing/DK1033.html) trying to identify Charlotte, when I ran across a section entitled, INDOOR CONTROL.

"All right then!" I thought to myself. "Finally, I can find out how to rid myself of the, literally, DOZENS of spiders that have taken up residence with me here at the townhouse."

"Regular housecleaning is very important in the control of spiders indoors. Large, persistent spider populations indoors indicate the presence of a significant insect population that serves as their food. "

Well crap! They had me until they mentioned regular housecleaning ...

Saturday, August 04, 2007

I JUST FINISHED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I just finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I won't give it away for those that still may not have read it. Anyone who knows me well (and has been around me AT ALL the last few weeks), has heard me screech at the top of my lungs, "DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING! I'M NOT DONE READING IT!!"

I will say just this one thing ... the chapter entitled, THE FOREST AGAIN is one of the most beautifully written, heart-felt chapters of J.K. Rowling's prose that I have ever read! I was in tears ... wracking sobs ... and not for the reason you might think ... just in case you're reading this and feel like I am giving something away.

I'm not giving anything away, I promise.

I cried when I closed the book to the last page. Again, not for the reason you think. I cried because the whole, exciting adventure of waiting for the next book is now over ...

Ah well ... all good things must come to an end, I suppose ...

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

FIRST DAY IN 4th GRADE

Okay, so other than melting half to death, I have survived my first day in 4th grade (as an adult, mind you ... I did 4th grade "waaaaaaaaaay a long time ago," as one of my kids would say).


I wore my new dress (refer to the blog titled HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? http://teachersworld.blogspot.com/2007/07/how-did-this-happen.html). I broke it in ... sweating like a freakin' pig. Poor little dress. Oh well. I am going on record as saying that my mother was right. I really do need to dress like a big girl. I had two boys tell classmates that I was the best dressed teacher there.


HELLO!

My kids are great! I do have some button-pushers, but that is part of dealing with kids. Overall, I am well pleased.

So bring on DAY 2!