Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I AM NOT IN THE MOOD!

I woke up an hour and a half late! Oh yeah ... talk about setting someone in a bad mood.

I was racing to work, knowing that I would be skirting into the school parking lot just before the WHEN TEACHERS SHOULD ARRIVE deadline, and I was annoyed. I was annoyed that I had forgotten to set my alarm clock correctly, and I was annoyed at the lady holding the STOP sign at the construction sight I was currently pulling up to.

She made some shrugging motion and then pointed at either side of the road, meaning "hey! where ya goin'?"

The nerve of this woman, I'm thinking to myself. I'm late. Does she not see this? Does she not recognize the face of a woman that has just woken up an hour and a half late???

Again with the annoying shrugging and pointing. So, I do the one thing that any sane, logical, late person would do ... I pointed left!

She gave me the dirtiest look and huffily pointed at the lack of turn signals.

I flipped it on, a little embarrassed ... that was until she did the most infuriating thing yet. She gave me a flippant gesture!

Oh how I wanted to lean out my truck window and scream, "DON'T TRY MY PATIENCE TODAY, LADY! DO YOU NOT SEE THE GIANT MASS OF KNOTTED HAIR ON THE TOP OF MY HAIR !?!? DO I NOT LOOK LIKE SOMEONE THAT JUST WOKE UP AN HOUR AND A HALF LATE!?!?!? I'M NOT IN THE MOOD! PLUS, I'M NOT THE ONE HOLDING A STOP SIGN FOR A LIVING!"

Of course, after next week, I will be in the market for a stop sign myself ...

Sunday, May 28, 2006

GLUTTONY AND GREED

We as Americans are accused of much. Sometimes, I just don't see it. Rather, it feels like a case of "I wish I had what they had" syndrome. Although, after a recent trip to Sam's Club, I gotta admit, I think I will vote in the affirmative for an American society full of gluttony and greed.

I went to buy some supplies that I volunteered to pick up for a retirement party. As MY luck would have it, they didn't have any of it! While I was there, I decided to see what they had in the way of strawberries (my latest obsession). I turned the corner and entered FOOD HELL (insert booming, scary, echoey voice here).

The Sample Ladies were out in force as were the greedy Sam's Club shoppers that decided to eat lunch there rather than whip something up at home! People pushed and shoved and cursed and threatened, all for a miniscule sample of Bourbon Street Salmon and Pizza Rolls. I was absolutely disgusted by the whole thing.

"I will no longer lower myself to such a baseless display of gluttony!" I said to myself as I wheeled my cart in line to get a discount soda and giant pretzel!

Friday, May 26, 2006

HOW DO YOU GET FINGERNAIL POLISH OFF OF YOUR EYE GLASSES?

It all started innocently enough. I did a little touch up on my fingenails. I was tired, though ... bone tired. I wasn't using all my brain power ... the synapses weren't firing all together ... and I went out and washed my glasses with the same fingers I just painted. Now, I have Mocha Breeze smeared all over my right lens. I hate field trip days!

Thursday, May 25, 2006

THIS COULD BE THE LAST YOU HEAR FROM ME

My thoughts as I ready myself for our field trip today ...

I've got a headache already! I would be okay if it weren't for the fact that the other 1st grade teachers told me ALL of the horror stories from the fall field trip day.

On my way to school this morning, I kept saying to myself, "MY GOSH!! Buck up, Murray. You took Shawn (name changed) to Full Blast. Granted, you almost lost him when he boarded a school bus bound for Detroit, but still, you took him! And ... you took Allen (name changed) swimming at the college pool. Okay, yes, he did try to drown Raymond (name changed) in the pool, but still, you took him! You will survive this trip to Mooville!"

All I have to say is that it's been nice knowing all of you. I'm saying my good-byes now so that if it gets really bad, I can throw myself into a vat of ice cream (it will be a pleasant way to end it all, I think). Also, if you hear of a MILKING COW stampede that occured somewhere near Nashville, MI, well, I had nothing to do with it!!! I swear!!!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

MINI-VANS AND OTHER RUMINATIONS

Mini-vans ...
Men don't check out girls driving mini-vans. I know this because I drove one to and from work today (my truck was getting a long overdue oil change and realignment). Cute guy after cute guy drove past and nary a look was given. At least when I'm driving my truck, they look ... okay, so they turn back around just as quickly once they see the driver of the aforementioned truck, but at least they look!

Sweaty men ...
I had a great-looking, sweaty man lean into me today (I take what I can get ... stop judging!!!), and he smelled incredible! I never smell good when I'm sweaty. Somehow, this doesn't seem fair. Or maybe it was the fact that he was great-looking ... yeah, that may have had something to do with it.

Puke vs. Blood ...
I think I've decided I can handle puke in my classroom better than I can one of those nasty bloody noses. I know this because I almost puked IN MY CLASSROOM after watching one of my kids deal with the world's worst bloody nose.

Monday, May 22, 2006

OUT TO GET ME

I am pretty sure the copy machine at work hates me. It seems to know that I waited to do my copies this morning rather than stay late on Friday. It's paying me back. I'm almost positive I heard it whisper, "I'll fix your little red wagon! I'll create so many misfeeds, you won't know which copy orfice to look into to fix them!" Then there was the faintest hint of an evil laugh ...

Yep, it hates me ...

Friday, May 19, 2006

FRIDAY!! FRIDAY!! FRIDAY!!!

T. G. I. ... Hold everything! It's Friday ... a day I live for. It signifies the start of a weekend where structure and alarms and schedules just fly out the window. I get a giddy feeling as I approach the end of my work day ... imagining all the wild and crazy things I could do with an evening unfettered by having to get to bed early.

Then I get home. I sit in my living room ... I think about dinner ... I think about everyone I know that is out with significant others and kids and doing fun stuff, stuff I'm not doing ... then I wish I lived else where, anywhere with something amazingly fun to do other than staring at the same four walls wishing there was something fun to do on Friday evenings.

Suddenly, Fridays don't hold the same excitement. It becomes just another night ...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

NEW WORKOUT PLAN

I've happened upon a new workout. The name is simple. It's called THE RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN WITH THE LAWN MOWER TO BEAT THE RAIN workout. I had my first session this evening.

First, you fill the teeny-tiny gas tank on the mower to over-flowing to ensure, when a spark hits it, you light up the whole stinking thing and yourself in the process. Then you fire the thing up after you've pounded on the top and cursed at it for not starting after hitting the primer pump button approximately 3 dozen times. Finally, you commence to running through your yard in a manic fashion, missing no less than a dozen spots in your lawn as you go. This work out has a higher degree of difficulty if you have a thousand underground mole tunnels that you could conceivably twist your ankle on.

I can feel the burn!

Monday, May 15, 2006

LAYIN' EGGS

My friend Lisa is the social worker/Mother Theresa/sainted angel/patron saint of all that is ill-behaved children at my old school. At this percise time on the May calendar, she is in the throes of the NASTY CLASS, and is, therefore, the reigning QUEEN OF THE NASTY CLASS.

The NASTY CLASS is really Human Growth and Sexuality, but we teachers always lovingly referred to it as the NASTY CLASS. There's a story to be told, but it will be saved for another blog.

The other day, Lisa had the task of explaining to female NASTY CLASS participants that, among other things, girls have eggs and boys have sperm. After said explanation, Lisa took the following question from a rather concerned young lady.

"Do you mean we lay eggs?!?"

Now, Lisa is a dear, sweet NASTY CLASS teacher. So, I'm certain she reassured the poor child by explaining that while females of our species do have eggs, we don't actually lay them like chickens.

Because I've not seen the sun in no less than 6 days (and so therefore am poisonously crabby), I would have replied in the following fashion:

"Honey, not only do we lay eggs, but some of us lay giant volley balls! And while we're on the subject, can you hear that distant wailing? Those are my eggs! They are dying by the second! Shriveling up and becoming former shadows of themselves. That's what you've got to look forward to, babycakes! Any more questions?"

I'm envisioning a cigarette-laced voice rasping at the wide-eyed crowd.

And, here's how I will leave you all ... reminiscing about another NASTY CLASS a few years back. This one was being taught by another teacher buddy of mine ... a male teacher buddy. He had just completed a riveting talk about the anatomy of male genitalia and was asking what the boys had learned in that day's lesson (double checking to make sure they were walking away with sound information).

One of my third graders raised his hand and said excitedly, "I learned boys have tentacles!"

Yep ... I think I've dated one of those boys!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN TRYING TO IMPRESS, PART 2

There's more, you ask? You tried to impress Cute Gym Teacher again???

Yep! And it went something like this ...

Sat down to lunch. Cute Gym Teacher munching away on PTA-provided lunch (Teacher Appreciation Week). My opening line?

"So, I almost ran over a big, gigantic black cow this morning!"
[see SEEING THINGS, Friday, May 12, 2006]

"Snort-chuckle-choke-on-food" sound coming from Cute Gym Teacher's direction.
Had Dr. Phil been hiding in the corner, he would have hung his head in shame.

Seriously, I wonder why I try. My friend Carrie says it's part of my charm. I'm not seeing it ...

Saturday, May 13, 2006

PIGGY TAILS

This morning, I decided to go to one of my favorite book houses/coffee bars. They were having live jazz, and I wanted to read, have some hot tea, and enjoy the jazz. I pulled on a pair of jeans, a boho kinda shirt, some flip-flops, and put my hair into some messy pig tails.

Yes, I'm 34 years old. Yes, I realize this sort of get up is best worn by a college co-ed, but shut up! I'm trying desperately to stop the hands of time. The one brilliant thing handed down to me via my DNA is this amazing youthful-looking gene, and darn it! I'm milkin' it for all it's worth!

So, after I'd absorbed as much culture as one chick can on a Saturday morning, I headed to Target. I'm wandering aimlessly through the clothing department, when a woman behind me says, "Excuse me."

I turn around, thinking she's trying to get past me.

"My daughter just wants me to tell you that she loves your pig tails."

The little girl, no more than 5 or 6, is hanging back, chewing a finger (very popular thing to do among the kindergarten/first grade set).

I smile and say, "Thanks!"

"Oh, I told her she should come to you and tell you, but she's shy. She just kept telling me how pretty you are in your pig tails."

Well, now she's got me hooked! I looked down at the little girl and say, "You've made my entire day! Thank you so much!"

She smiles and says, "You like piggy tails?"

"Yes, I do!"

She gasps. "SO DO I!!! SO DOES MY MOMMA!!!"

So, the look is a hit ... at least for the 6 year olds. Now ... if I could just get CUTE GYM TEACHER to think so ...

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO "HMMMM..."

#1 ... Seeing a Gangsta Boy, about mid-twenties, in full gangsta regalia, including the baggy jeans waaaay past his boxers, walking in the rain holding a giant yellow ducky umbrella!

#2 ... A teenaged boy, face full of pimples, in full drag, complete with neon blue feather boa and fire engine red lipstick.

#3 ... Prom dates in Chilies -- the girl in pale pink and the boy ... oh heaven help me! He was wearing a white tuxedo with pale pink shirt! Horror of horrors ...

Friday, May 12, 2006

SEEING THINGS

So, I'm speeding down the road on my way to work. My eyes are running ... AGAIN. I hate allergies. I'm exhausted ... AGAIN. I hate allergies. And then I see it ...

I think to myself, "That can't be what I'm seeing!"

Sure it is ... it's Friday. My life is chaos. Why wouldn't there be the world's largest cow trotting down my side of the road?

So, I do the only logical thing a responsible citizen would do. I call 9-1-1.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Well, it's not really an emergency ... yet. I'd like to report a big black cow trotting down Michigan Avenue, heading toward Battle Creek."

"A big black cow, ma'am?"

"Yes."

"How far out of town are you?"

"Hmmm ... perhaps a mile?"

"Heading toward Battle Creek?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll send an officer out."

And this seems like a normal conversation to me as I bee-bop down the road, dabbing my runny eyes.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

THE INEVITABLE HATED QUESTION

It happened today ... the question I hate the most was asked ...

It all started innocently enough. Really, I'm not sure how we got to the point we got, but I was sitting at the head of our Circle Meeting circle; my little first graders were all gathered around me. We has just finished sharing one special thing we were going to do for our moms on Mother's Day, when, out of no where, some one says, "Hey, Miss Murray. Are you married?"

"No," I cringe.

These are a very forward group of first graders. So, the next question was thrown at me from three or four mouths at the same time. "Why not?"

As if I've not asked myself that a million times!

"Because I haven't found the right guy yet. Let's talk about math."

"Why not?"

OH MY GOSH! WHEN WILL THE SPANISH INQUISITION END???

"I don't know. I just haven't found one yet. So, any way, in math today, we are going to ..."

Ellie sqeals with delight as she interrupts my attempt at swerving around the wreckage that is my love life.

"Oh my gosh! My dad's divorced! This is perfect! You could marry him, and you'd be my step-mother!!!"

A few more voices join in, "Yeah!!! Marry Ellie's dad!"

I know my face is three shades of red as I silently pray, "Please God, strike me now. It's raining. It can't be that hard to send a lightening bolt my direction."

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

INTERNAL MANTRAS

WHAT'S PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN I WISH THE CUTE GUY WOULD NOTICE ME:
Stand up straight! Suck in that gut! Dude, did you have to wear that outfit today? Why did you eat that second cookie???

WHAT'S PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN 16 FIRST GRADERS ARE ALL ASKING FOR DRINKS AT THE SAME TIME:
I really hate my name!

WHAT'S PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN OPRAH HAS HER WARDROBE SHOWS:
Sure! I'll run right out and get that $100 bra! I mean, doesn't every body make a million dollars just getting out of bed in the morning??

WHAT'S PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN I WATCH THE BACHELOR:
Why am I killing more brain cells watching this drivel?

WHAT'S PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN I WATCH AMERICAN IDOL:
Why am I killing more brain cells watching this drivel?

WHAT'S PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN I LOOK IN THE REFRIGERATOR:
I wonder how much a dinner fairy would cost?

WHAT'S PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN I LOOK AT ALL THE PET HAIR ROLLING AROUND ON MY FLOORS:
Wonder how much a cleaning fairy would cost?

WHAT'S PLAYING IN MY HEAD WHEN I PEER INTO THE CLOSET EVERY MORNING:
Why doesn't the clothes god like me?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

MY APOLOGIES TO MY MALE READERSHIP (IF THERE IS ANY) ...

What I read on a Pamprin box today ...
Ask a doctor before using if you have difficulty in urination due to enlargement of the prostate gland.

What I thought after I read that ...
Shoot! If you've got a prostate gland and you're taking Pamprin, you've got more wrong than just a lack of urination!

Monday, May 08, 2006

WHAT A WAY TO START A MONDAY

... drooling and staring at CUTE GYM TEACHER while he tries to get me to understand he's changing gym times on me ...

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

HORRIFIC


This is the reason I had to drive a country mile (actually a few country miles) out of my way, both ways, yesterday. My school is just a few miles away from this accident scene. These are two semi trucks, if you couldn't tell. Sadly, one person died.

http://www.battlecreekenquirer.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060503/NEWS01/605030304/1002

Photo taken by Trace Christenson/The Enquirer

SWEET WORDS

When the allergies are kickin' your butt and you can't manage to drag yourself from your bed, there are no sweeter words than "WE HAVE A TWO-HOUR DELAY!"

Well, okay, sweeter words might be, "SCHOOL WAS CANCELLED," but the extra cup of tea this two hour delay affords me will do just fine!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

I WONDER WHY ...

... when I want to talk to a GREAT LOOKING guy, my face ALWAYS knows that and grows the world's biggest zit?

... when it is rainy outside, all I want to do is sleep in bed?

... we haven't found some cure for PMS!?!?! I mean, we've got Viagra and goop for male pattern baldness! HELLO!!!

Monday, May 01, 2006

WHY I HATE MONDAYS

Me staring at the copy machine: "We're out of paper, and I do mean OUT of paper."

Fourth grade SUPER PROBLEM SOLVING TEACHER: "Did you check the office?"

Me: "No. I had gotten as far as cursing."