Monday, November 29, 2010

On the expiration of green olives


Tonight, I made a culinary coup of a meal, straight from the back of a Bisquick box. It's called IMPOSSIBLE TACO PIE. I'm not entirely sure what's impossible about it as it seems quite easy to both assemble and consume. I mean, come on. You know it's minutes away from gourmet when you use Bisquick!

In my continued effort to kill myself via my own cooking and a bit of botulism, tonight, I prepared the meal with what I can only describe as a jar full of "cloudy" olives. I use the term cloudy because, honestly, I can't remember when I purchased them. I mean, they've been in my refrigerator. And mayonnaise lasts forever in a fridge, right?

Just to be on the safe side, I decided to do the ridiculous and taste-test them prior to dumping them into the mixture. And they didn't taste bad ... at first. It was only after I'd combined all the ingredients into my baking pan that I realized there was a slightly unpleasant after-taste that accompanied the olives.

I'm guessing nothing serious will happen to me in the overnight, but on the off chance that I don't wake up tomorrow, would someone be so kind as to mention to the coroner the possible origin of my demise?

I would be ever so grateful.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

And so it begins ...

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of year again. The time of year where Christmas lights twinkle and children and adults alike are giddy with Christmas anticipation ...

And it is the time of year where I once again fight the cat for dominance over the Christmas tree.

Friday, November 26, 2010

A few views from my windows

The view from my living room

We in the Bluegrass were greeted with a fluffy, if not, wet treat this morning. SNOW! Normally, I would be grumbling about this, especially in light of the fact that yesterday morning, it was 67 degrees, but I don't know. Something seems just plain right about the snow on the ground as the Official Holiday Season kicks off.

Enjoy the less than professional looking snowy views out the various windows in my home, and I will snuggle down underneath my quilt and continue to sip my hot chocolate.
This is a view out of my dining room window into my "lovely" neighbors behind me. We didn't get off on the right foot when I moved in ... let's just say they aren't working for the town's Welcome Wagon.

One of the views out one of my bedroom windows. You are looking down on a portion of my side year and the back of my neighbors' yard.

The other view out of my other bedroom window -- that's my deck and some folks that live sorta behind me.

Emmy checking things out from her perch in the guest bedroom. That vantage point is from the front of the house.

The other guest bedroom window. That is my two oaks and a view of my neighbors' front yard.

Looking out the guest bedroom window again.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Guest bedroom

It still looks a little cluttered, but at least you can walk INTO the room and actually travel around in it without tripping over a box and stubbing a toe or worse.

Thanksgiving and Giving Thanks

I sit here, the eve of Thanksgiving, profoundly grateful and full of the blessings in my life. It's been a year of gratitude. I share just a few of the countless blessings in my life with my loyal readers.

  1. My family, who loves and supports me, and for whom I am truly grateful.
  2. This amazing house ... such a God-thing this whole real estate venture was for me. Everyday, I wake up grateful for the privilege to be living here.
  3. My dear, close friends ... my extended family. You are my inspiration and my muse. You know who you are, and so therefore, I want you all to know how much you mean to me.
  4. My church family ... they rock!
  5. My cat, who daily provides me an example of unconditional love and appreciation for the simple things (spoken like a true Crazy Cat Lady!).
  6. My job ... a practice in both frustration and fulfillment.
  7. My health ... I wake up everyday grateful that this time last year, I'd found the nodules and nothing more was needed other than surgery to remove them.
For these and many, many more things, I am truly, humbly, fully grateful.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Under quarantine

It's stomach flu season at school, and I've literally been witnessing them drop like flies. I've also used two containers full of Clorox wipes and almost an entire can of Lysol on my classroom this past week. Plus, as a fun preventative measure on my part, I've consumed 6 glasses of wine in the course of the week -- taking from the Bible, "A little wine for thy stomach's sake."

I went to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 last night with my friend Tabby. I consumed my fair share of greasy popcorn and another goodly portion of Chickfila's greasy chicken nuggets (soooooooo good, but woweee, the grease!). At 11:41 p.m., I woke up with the worst stomach issues, and I remember thinking, "Here we go! I'm a goner ... I'm yet another statistic in my bug-ridden school right now ... all that Lysol for naught."

But then, magically, I went back to sleep, and the only thing I can think of is that I'm not that young whipper snapper anymore that can consume large portions of not-so-good-for-you-food and bounce back, fresh as the new fallen snow. Nope. I'm that middle-aged fart that can barely eat an apple without dealing with some gastric fall-out of said apple.

Either way, I'm quarantining myself in the house until further notice. I've been jonesing a morning in my pjs for a while now ...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

There's still hope for my Prince Charming

Okay, so I wasn't all that interested in Prince William anyway. I'd much prefer a slighty bad, bad boy. Enter Prince Harry .... soooooo dreamy! So, my hopes and dreams of Cougar-dom are still alive!

Monday, November 15, 2010

The random stream of consciousness in my head

I'm relatively sure my cat spends her days, while I'm gone, running all over the counter tops. In fact, if I had to wager a bet, I'm guessing she does a victory dance, knowing I will never know about it, unless, perhaps, a coupon falls to the floor (as it did today), in the flurry of the jigging. Which makes me think ...

... perhaps I should have wiped down the counters before I started preparing tonight's feast for the eyes and the stomach (Lemon Cod, Baked Potato, and Peas, in case you were wondering). That might reduce the amount of disease considerably, I suppose. Which causes me to think ...

...I'm relatively sure I'm going to get the stomach flu ... like in five minutes. They've been dropping like flies at school, and it doesn't matter how many times I wipe down a desk, it seems the germs multiply and fly into my nose, spinning around inside my brain, and coming out my ear, screaming, "WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU, OUR LITTLE PRETTY! AND YOUR LITTLE DOGGIE, TOO!" Except, I don't have a little doggie ... and then I think ...

... hey! There's Christmas music on the radio right now, and I just heard DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR? And sometimes, I do hear things that no one else seems to hear, and I wonder what that is all about. I mean, I am a big girl, now, and ....

... did you know that the biggest BIG GIRL purchase to date has been my house, but that the second biggest BIG GIRL purchase (and let's face it, it pales in comparison to the house) has been the box springs and mattress set I just finished plunking cash down for? It's an investment piece, that's how the salesperson was marketing it. Listen, I think real leather shoes are investment pieces, so I'm expecting to wake up Saturday morning (delivery should be Friday *fingers crossed*) a brand new woman ... skinnier, lighter hair, butt and boobs back up where they used to be ... before gravity. That's the type of investment piece I'm talking about.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

A strongly worded letter -- another Vintage Megan moment

Tabby and I @ my birthday party

My good friend, Tabby, celebrated a birthday on Friday, and she was kind enough to ask me to join her family celebration today at Cracker Barrel. I had an official role, too. Yes, I was to serve as the Forward Reconnaissance Team -- my mission was to secure a table with five seats. I won't go into the long, sordid story of how horribly busy it was, and how it seemed that I was surrounded by only the elderly, none of which could walk with out the assistance of some sort of walking apparatus that ended up on the Molestation side of the "too close to my rump" spectrum ... or how every woman with too much make-up and no sense of fashion pushed me out of the way to get a better view of the animated, musical, glittery, over-priced Christmas doo-dad that happened to also be hanging too close to my rump. No, I won't go into that kind of detail. Let's just say I was in Holiday Hell being felt-up by every over-80 in Georgetown, Kentucky.

So, it was an absolute relief when the hostess called my name about 30 minutes after my arrival. This was short-lived, however, as I was informed, upon my arrival to the hostess podium, that they do not seat an incomplete party at their table. The party must all be in the restaurant, otherwise, no seating.

Now, for those of you who know me, you can see where this is heading. I maintained my composure, but you can be sure, I was more than a little annoyed, and my "Well, that hardly seems fair," comment to the hostess I think gave a slight hint in that general direction.

As I stood and watched her give away my table and seat a half a dozen more people, I became down-right indignant. So I marched up to the snotty hostess, and I kindly requested to speak to her manager.

Josh, who was all of 12 years old, I am sure, bee-bopped up to me, and I calmly explained my dilemma. Dear Reader, are you sitting down for this? Because it really requires a good firm grasp of something. Josh said to me, "well, it is our policy that if you aren't all here, I must seat someone else. You see, we feel like we can get still get you in, while seating an intact group, ensuring we get more money."

What was on the tip of my tongue was, "I see you are putting the almighty dollar ahead of your customer service," but I stopped just short of that because I wanted to save that beautiful gem for the strongly worded letter I was penning as I stared into Josh's bleary little 12-year old eyes. Instead, I reiterated that I thought their policy was unfair and stupid.

Another 20 minutes of waiting, and they called me to the table at the same time that Tabby called me to say that they were in the parking lot. Snotty Table Seating Nazi said she could allow them to seat me if the rest of the party was in the parking lot, and so I followed another individual into the dining room, where there was a flurry of activity to make a nice table for us.

It is at this point in the story that you must really think deeply about why you love me and call me friend, because I am about to reveal a portion of this story that may cause you to question your loyalties where I am concerned. For as I was sitting down at the table, my cell rang.

"Hey girl," Tabby says. "I'm here. Where are you?"

"I'm in the middle section, across from the fireplace."

"Are you in the back? I'm standing right in front of the fireplace."

"Move a bit to your left."

"Where are you?"

"Tabby, you aren't in front of the fireplace." Long pause, as my eyes lock with Josh's. "Tabby?"


"What Cracker Barrel are you at?"

"The Shelbyville Cracker Barrel. What Cracker Barrel are you at?"

"The Georgetown one."

Somewhere in Georgetown, Kentucky, there is a Cracker Barrel manager holding a voodoo doll with my name on it. He's getting ready to do evil things to it ...

I don't blame him ...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

More text message conversations

It may seem random, but each and every one of the text messages Elly and I send to each other will, in some small way, find a cure to what ails the world.

For instance ....

Me: "Vacuums make AMAZING coat racks."

Elly: "Like as good as a treadmill?"

Me: "Well, there's more surface area on a treadmill. So not as good as a treadmill, but a close second for sure."

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

That's what friends are for

I'm showing my age here, but many, many moons ago, my childhood best friend gave me a record by Dionne Warwick and friends called THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR. Seems to me Stevie Wonder and Michael Jackson sang on the track, but I can't be sure. I mean, we're talking records here. You know? Those flat, vinyl discs with lots of ridges played on a circular do-whacky that spun round and round? It was one step up from two tin cans and a string.

Whatever. Mandy gave that record to me, and I must have worn that thing out playing it over and over again. I just loved the lyrics -- they seemed to ring true to our little friendship back then.

I was reminded of that song last night when Carrie came to my rescue and talked me off my proverbial ledge. Let's face it, the girl could talk butter into melting, but then again, she'd probably say the same thing about me. Ummm ... think she has. Last night, I needed her, and she was there.

I've been working my tail off ... to the point that I am so overwhelmed most of the time that I've ended up spinning my wheels and going no where fast. Of course, this little act of futility gets me no where except pissed off at the world, gloves on, and ready to go down to the bitter end.

I left a desperate albeit rambling message on Carrie's voice mail, and bless her heart, she called me back. And the words " good times, and bad times, I'll be right there by your side, cuz that's what friends are for..." She listened to me whine. She listened to my cry. Shoot! She listened to me whine AND cry all in one, strung together jumble of incoherent hiccups and phrases. Then she stopped me and said ...
  1. You are trying to do too many things at once. What has to be done immediately? Leave the other stuff for later.
  2. Why do you doubt your abilities? Why are you believing the lies you tell about yourself? Shut up and do what you know you CAN do!
  3. Go back to the basics. Stop trying to reinvent the wheel.
  4. Work smarter not harder. This last one sorta annoys me, but I'm giving it to her on account of she talked me off the ledge and stuff.
The girl is brilliant, and I owe her a drink ... or some sour cream and chive fries ... next time I see her!

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Getting my priorities straight

It's been a busy week, and I'm staring at another hectic one in the face.

I have a love-hate relationship with busy-ness. I hate being bored, but I hate feeling like I'm on a hamster wheel ALL. THE. TIME. And I feel like that most of the time these days.

As a result, my life feels out of control, and I feel powerless to stop it all.

I need to reevaluate my priorities. Something has to give somewhere before my sanity goes, and I end up like Crazy Bird Lady.

Not sure what it's going to take to get things calibrated, but I'm definitely feeling the need for some calibration.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

PCG Bowling

I went bowling with my PCG ... my community group at church. These folks are my family away from my family. My Kentucky family. I love them dearly!

A word about the bowling. I am out of shape. Period. End of story. But I had fun.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Having one of those years

If one more person asks me to attend a meeting, I can not be held responsible for my actions. For reals, folks.

Is it just me, or are meetings becoming more bizarre these days?

"Hey, ya'll! I'd like to meet to discuss the color variations of these two manila envelopes here. Think you can pencil me in?"


"Ummm ... I'd like to sit down and discuss the meeting that we're going to be conducting regarding the planning committee's preparation of the conference call about the meeting. Could you meet?"


"So, I need you to complete an agenda regarding the meeting we're going to have on the nuances of the number 2 pencil versus all the other pencils made on this planet. And I'd really like that on my desk 10 minutes ago."

This is why Facebook was invented. I'm relatively sure of it. So all of us bedraggled meeting goers can stumble, bleary-eyed from the stuffy confines of board rooms every where, and waste 5 hours of an otherwise, unproductive, inefficient day, Liking inane places and things on Facebook that normally, we couldn't give a crap about. This is what Meetings have brought us to ... addled brain cells going splat against a computer screen.