Monday, September 03, 2012

Things You Just Shouldn't Do Before Your Morning Coffee

There is a pretty extensive list, actually, of things you just should not undertake before your morning coffee, but for now, I will concentrate on just one thing ... FINDING, LOSING, and then HUNTING AGAIN FOR SNAKES ... OF ANY VARIETY!

There is a back story to this ... For weeks, WEEKS!  Emmy has been parked in front of my water heater, watching "something" underneath it.  I have stabbed under it numerous times with a yard stick, thinking she'd batted a cat toy underneath there. Nothing came out but an old nail and a TON of dust bunnies, which reminded me that I needed to do some cleaning in my yucky basement. 

Little did I know ...

This morning, I decided to get a handle on my laundry as there will be no workout clothes tomorrow if I don't get cracking on it all.  So, I stripped the bed, and headed down the stairs to ... A.) find Emmy because she hadn't come up and wake me up yet, and she ALWAYS comes into my room to wake me up ... and B.) to start my first load of laundry.

When I walked into my laundry room, there was Emmy, with her paw batting at something behind the water heater!  And when she saw me, she meowed at me as if to say, "Look at this!  I want to play with him!"

I got down on my knees and proceeded to have a heart attack. 

Okay, maybe it was just a mild myocardial infraction ...

Perhaps a brain aneurysm.

Or a stroke.

It was SOMETHING that made my heart stop and, at the same time, caused me to utter a saucy word ... out loud ... in a screechy sort of manner. 

I had the forethought to grab an empty tub and lid to gather him up, but before I could figure out how to get him from behind the water heater, he slithered behind the furnace, and Emmy started running back and forth in the basement.  I nearly fainted under the weight of the following thoughts:

  1. Oh crap!  How am I getting him out of there!?
  2. Is there a Mrs. Snake?
  3. Have they made baby snakes?
  4. Will the hatch in my furnace?
  5. When the furnace kicks in this fall, will they all pour out of my registers and into the rest of my house?
  6. What is THIS going to cost to get rid of????
He's under the furnace!
It was about this time, my friend Tabby, texted me to confirm our Labor Day plans.  Poor girl.  All I could text back was: "I HAVE A FREAKIN' SNAKE IN MY BASEMENT!!!"

She very calmly, if not slightly amused, called me and asked if I'd like her to come and help me get it out.

I believe the conversation went something like this:

"Would you like me to come over and get it out?"

"THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BASEMENT!!!!"

"I can come over and get it out.  Do you have a broom?"

'IS THIS NORMAL!?!?!?  THERE IS A SNAKE IN MY BASEMENT!  IS THIS GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN!?!?  THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BASEMENT!"

"Well, I can come and get it for you.  I just need to throw on a hat ... and, well, maybe get out of bed."

"I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD MY MORNING COFFEE!!! THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BASEMENT!!!"

Elly suggested I leave the house and never return, but considering I still owe about 28 years worth of a mortgage on this place, that didn't seem like the most prudent idea.  It was a good idea, just not prudent.

So, I relented and let Tabby come over and get rid of it.  The minute she unscrewed the filter casing, he slithered out, and I started screeching again.  She grabbed the broom and literally swept him out the door, through the garage, and into the yard.  I should have let him know that there is a house for sale up the street, and he'd be very happy there for a while ...




Emmy has not been happy with me ... she has been marching around the house, frequently checking the basement, and generally, pouting in my presence.  Seems I took her morning fun away. 

Meanwhile, I will NO LONGER be leaving laundry baskets full of clean clothes on the floor of the basement nor will I have my sorting baskets in the basement.  They are currently in my hallway waiting for a space to be made in my linen closet. 

Wildlife count to date:

7 dead birds (4 outside, 3 in my crawl space)
1 dead bunny
1 live shrew
1 dead toad
1 VERY ALIVE garter snake (please let it have been a garter snake)


1 comment:

Miz Dinah said...

You did the right thing by freaking out. I mean, you hadn't even had your morning coffee!!! ;)