Thursday, April 24, 2014

ONLY SERIOUS CANDIDATES NEED APPLY

A few years back ... 

Back when I was young enough for it to really matter ... 

Back when I hadn't moved out of Michigan and across the BORING state of Indiana and the Mason-Dixon Line ...

In other words, a loooong time ago, a few colleagues and I were having lunch, and during this lunch, we, quite by happenstance (as these things so oft happen) created a list of requirements for our Prince Charming's.  

Mine was a simple list, and, for the most part, it hasn't changed much over the years.

It goes something like this:

Said Prince Charming should

  • have some sort of Federal and State taxes taken out of an ACTUAL paycheck (this excludes any sort of long-term Federal or State aid check) on a regular basis.
  • have all of his own teeth and MOST of his own hair
  • have no Baby Mama Drama.  
  • be able to prove that he lives in his own domicile.  Said proof should exist in the form of mortgage receipts and/or regular rent payment receipts. 
  • be able to prove that aforementioned domicile is not, in fact, the same location where his maternal caregiver currently resides. 
  • have some form of reliable transportation.  Said transportation excludes mopeds, ten speed bicycles, unicycles, scooters of ANY sort, or motorcycles.
See.  I don't ask for much.  It really isn't a lot when you come right down to it. 

However, today, while dragging my garbage cans back down the hill to my garage, I came up with an addendum to the original list.  After all, that list was crafted some 12 years ago. 

Times have changed.  

I'm not the same person I was ... mercifully ... thankfully ... any of the -fully's you might consider.

Prince Charming addendum:
  • Prince Charming, hereto referred to as PC, shall come to the union with a means to trim dead branches in numerous trees around my property.  Such means might include various and sundry chainsaws, telescoping and mechanized saws as well as some means of trimming dead bushes that are ugly and need to be removed ... soon.
  • PC should come to the union with the desire to mow lawns.  
  • PC should come to the union with a loooooong ladder wherein he can scale the sides of my home to clean out the gutters each fall. 
  • PC should have some knowledge of various squeaks and creaks that occur in the attic as well as the fortitude to enter aforementioned attic and deal with the mysteries it may reveal. 
  • PC should be able to efficiently deal with alllll the birds (numbers are unknown at this point in time) that have come to their final resting place (and then refuse to decompose) in the crawl space of said property.
  • PC must also be willing to deal with any and all snakes, birds, squirrels, unknown Kentuckian bugs, and any other living organisms that frequent the domicile.
  • PC should have some working knowledge of such things as automotive issues, plumbing issues, roofing issues, and other such issues that crop up when one owns a home/vehicle.
  • PC should have some working knowledge of how to resurface a driveway at a cheap price as well as the ability to power wash and seal a large-ish deck. 
Only serious candidates should apply ... 




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