Sunday, March 08, 2015

LOSING MYSELF

This blog is going to be a tough one to write.  Might be a tough one for you all to read.  Or maybe not.  Who knows ...

I have been struggling for a while on whether I should even write it or not ... but everything tends to come out in my writing eventually ... kinda like the wash, right?  Everything comes out in the wash?  Get it.

Never mind.

I've struggled with depression for most of my life. There.  I said it.  Of course, there was a time that I didn't recognize it as such.  I just knew there was something horribly wrong.  As a child, I went through a period of time where it was really, really bad.  As an adult, I finally recognized it as such, but I had a "I got this" attitude toward it.  Except, I didn't have it.  Not by a long shot. I'd have these funks that I would fall into, and they weren't any fun.  At.  All.  The highs were high; the lows were really low.  Emotional melt-downs were par for the course, too. It's probably a blessing in disguise that I wasn't married, because I am relatively sure that it would have ended in divorce ... or at the very least, MAJOR marriage counseling due to my inability to contain said emotions.

It wasn't until a pointed conversation with my mom, wherein she practically begged me to chat with my physician, that I finally got the help I needed to navigate this depression thing.

Lest you think I was a half step away from dropping my basket, I wasn't ... least ways, I don't think I was.

I was just in a funk for a good 30 or so years.  I just covered it well ... to most people ... least ways, I THINK I covered it.  Perhaps, it explains a multitude of stuff that you've noticed in this blog over the years, no?

At any rate, I just needed a teensy bit of medical intervention, and once I had that, life leveled for me, in ways I never realized it could be leveled.  I had a new normal, and it has been AWESOME!

In coming out of my fog, I've realized that over and over again, I've lost myself in stuff ... in the craziness of my job ... in the stress of my job ... in the issues of others that surround me ... in the expectations others ... in the expectations of society ... in the things I THOUGHT I wanted ... in the thoughtless words of others ... in the ugliness of this life ... some how, I have managed to lose myself in the cacophony of noise that seems to be ever present now. TV, RADIO, SOCIAL MEDIA, white stinking noise that clouds my head.  I've lost myself.  In fact, I've smothered myself.

Last week, as I was preparing for Snowmageddon 2.0, I sat down to watch yet another television show ... I watch  A LOT of tv, y'all.  Gotta break that habit, but I digress ...  

Nashville ... it's a guilty pleasure, and dang it!  I can't normally stay up to watch it, but I did this time, and they had a song that just grabbed my attention and wouldn't let it go.  It caught my attention because, A.) it was sung by the Stella Sisters, these crazy talented kids I just love to listen to ... KIDS, I tell you! and B.)  The opening lines of the song just tickled my writer's brain ... they are AWESOME lines ... just painting an amazing picture ... "You were the girl, with blazin' heart on fire, free as a dress in the breeze, hanging on a laundry line, in sunshine." 

Right?! Are those not the coolest lyrics?  I mean, who ever came up with those ... they are genius.  Just pure genius!

Today, I actually sat down and listened/read the lyrics.

Duuuuuude!  I was blown away, because this song?  It. Was. Talking. About. Me. Not even joking.

We each have passions in our lives, and somewhere in the mess of life, we get knocked down, and it can be a bear gettin' back up.

To be honest with you, I could blame a bunch of folks for throwing those punches and knocking me down.  There's a laundry list, y'all.  But when it all comes right down to it, I think, like the lyrics say, I've been fighting with myself. Somewhere in the midst of the fog ... the busyness of life ... the stuff we're doing while we're making those plans ... yeah, I've lost track of me.

Ugh!  I hate myself for even writing that cheese, but seriously, it's true.  I've lost sight of stuff.  I've lost sight of me.

It's time to pick myself up.  Dust myself off.  Kick off the dirt and grime.  Remember what it is that makes my creative juices flow, what makes me smile, what makes me breathe, and get after it.  Life is short, and while I could sit here and wallow in the amount of it I've wasted, it isn't going to do anyone any good.

Time to light it back up!






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