A WAD TO YAP ABOUT

The silence has been deafening, hasn't it?

It couldn't be helped. My body decided to stage a coupe.

It all started last Monday afternoon. I started feeling that oddly familiar "sore throat" feeling. Aches and pains followed close behind. By Wednesday night/Thursday morning, I was running to the bathroom every other second for what can only be described as a governmental conspiracy to kill every last inch of my intestine by way of the MONUMENTAL STOMACH FLU BUG -- the likes of which never left my system until yesterday. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I said Y.E.S.T.E.R.D.A.Y.

As you can imagine, I've got loads and loads to run my mouth about ... take a seat, grab a mug of your favorite liquid beverage, get comfy. It's going to be a while.

• 20 lbs. That is the amount of weight I lost due to the DEATH FLU OF THE CENTURY. While I don't reccommend this particular form of weight loss, it really has lit a fire under the butt of my weight loss program. The good news is that I no longer crave sweets as a result of the germ-imposed detox I received. As far as I can tell, this weight loss can only be viewed as a "good thing."
• I'm in a period of mourning ... coffee hasn't sounded good to me since last Wednesday. Do you realize the ramifications of this altered state of my liquid consciousness? In case you are sitting on the fence about this, THIS IS MAJOR!!! I nearly gagged walking down the coffee aisle in Kroger the other day. And just in case you are having trouble wrapping your mind around this particular nugget of information, in the past, I'm pretty sure I could have gotten high from free-basing coffee dust! I'm not sure if this is a permanent side effect of the DEATH FLU OF THE CENTURY, but I am planning on a LAYING ON OF HANDS ceremony in the near future.
• I'm pretty sure a portion of the aforementioned weight loss was part brain matter. That is the only rationale I have for why I would go to the dollar store and purchase party hats and PARTY HORNS for each of my kids in honor of my birthday tomorrow. What on earth would possess a normal, sane, logically-thinking individual to put into the hands of fourth graders, party horns? Sit down, Carrie. Have Dar or Tuohy fan you with your Four Blocks for Upper Grades ... cuz I know you're having a case of the vapors over this one!
• AT&T ... I HATE you! I had AT&T back in Michigan, and I dumped them like a slimy, rotting potato. My cell phone carrier down here is AT&T ... not by choice. My old guys were bought out [stupid corporate take-overs]. We have an AT&T store here in town. So, I save a stamp and drop the bill off there every month. Each time I've gone, they've tried to push me to use their payment kiosk. Each time, I say no. My reasoning is that I've got to enter all my vital data into that thing, and in the age of identity thefty, I don't feel it's a safe form of bill payment. DUH! Today, as I hand the guy the bill, he again pushes me to use the dang kiosk. I again decline, stating the above reason. His reply? "Well, ma'am. I need to tell you that after March 11th, we will be charging you a fee to pay your bill here at the cash register." EXCUSE ME!?!??!? YOU ARE GOING TO CHARGE ME TO BE A GOOD CUSTOMER AND PAY MY BILL ON TIME THE OLD FASHIONED WAY? SERIOUSLY?!?! HOW STUPID ARE YOU PEOPLE? YOU WILL NOT FORCE ME TO DO THINGS YOUR STUPID WAY. IDIOTS!
• Anyone that has followed my six year job odyssey will love this one. My district will more than likely be looking at job cuts. Are you laughing yet? Oh I don't care any more! I have no clue what this means for me and my job. I'm just soooooo sick of worrying about it. I'm here in Kentucky for a reason. No doubt about it. So, I'm going to do my job and do it the best way I can and to heck with the dummies [for those unsure, DUMMIES would refer to the "brain surgeons" that think it's a requirement to check brains at the door of houses and senates around this country] that can't seem to figure out that cutting education budgets down to nothing isn't helping anyone. They'll figure it out ... when it's too late.
• UN-Birthday Present ... my dear friend Denise P. has had a birthday present here at my house since November ... that would be the month of her birthday. I forgot to send it to her. Then I forgot to bring it home at Christmas time ... then aliens stole what few brain cells I had left, and memory of needing to send it just vanished. So, I've decided I'm sending her an Un-birthday gift. Get ready, Denise. You just never know when that Un-birthday gift will be winging its way to you! For sure, though, it will be a surprise when it does.
• I received this message on my answering machine yesterday. "Yes, this is _____ from the Frankfort Plant Board. We have a little problem with the bill you dropped off last Friday. Could you please give us a call at your earliest convenience?" Well, last Friday, if you will please quickly reference above, was one of the day that I was in the throes of the DEATH FLU. I managed to get the date and PAY TO line filled out. I even managed to write the amount in the amount box. That was as far as it went. NICE! I had a good laugh over it, and so did __________ at the Plant Board, after I explained what had happened. Today, I went and finished filling out the check. OOPS! My teammate, Monica, offered to let me sit in with my class the day she teaches my kids how to write checks. I thought that was very nice of her!
• Tomorrow I turn 36! We've had a guessing contest in my classroom. I promised the winners a prize. Dog-gone it if four of my kids didn't guess the correct number. I'm not sure if I'm starting to look my age, or if they should all get hired at CEDAR POINT as one of those carnival age guessers this summer ...

There you have it ... rambling drivel that I'm sure is thoroughly thought-provoking.