HONKY TONKS

I can mark HANGING OUT IN A HONKY TONK BAR off my LIST OF THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE now, folks.

Been there and done that ... TONIGHT, in fact.

I'm doing a Kentucky Writing Project Advanced Institute this weekend, and a bunch of us decided to go to this honky tonk bar after dinner.

Let me just say this: Honky-tonk bars are some serious fun when it comes to people-watching. Serious fun!!!

But it wouldn't be a valuable life experience without a few lessons involved as well.

Lesson #1 ... There is a dress code. It's called plaid. I did not get this memo. So, I rolled into the place in a cutie pink cardigan with seed pearls woven in, a little white tank top, and dress jeans with flip flops. Now, my white tank top, by itself, would have been perfectly acceptable, and probably would have changed the nature of the evening for me. However, I was there strictly for writing research purposes, don't you know. Flip flops are never acceptable, especially in light of the bathroom situation as well as the Drunk Girl situation, which I will reference later.

Lesson #2 ... Covering up just a quarter of your boobs is good enough in a honky tonk. The rest of the girls should be out and on full public display. A modicum of modesty is not at all allowed in these places. My girls could have actually had a field day tonight had I allowed them to come out and play. I did not, however.

Lesson #3 ... Drunk Girl can and will blow chunks all over the table, chairs, and floor next to you. An okay way to help your Drunk Girl is to obtain a medium to large-sized coated paper tray that would hold a good portion of onion rings on a normal day. They are amazingly sturdy in a drunken puking session. I know this now from personal witness testimony, I must sadly admit.

Lesson #4 ... Health department rules and regulations apparently are a little lax when it comes to events like Chunk-blowing that may occur on tables where the public will eventually (and sadly, blindly) choose to sit. For instance, management can allow remnants of chunks sit for a long period of time before someone feels like or has time to go over there with a wet dish rag to clean the unfortunate event up. Thankfully, management does deem the aforementioned dish rag as NO LONGER USABLE, and management will throw it away. Chunks will fall to the floor, and that's where wearing flip flops is not a good footwear choice.

Lesson #5 ... I don't care how many times you've been hit with the ugly stick, the minute you step behind a drum set, you elevate yourself to God-like status. Girls begin screaming and drinking massive amounts of booze.

Lesson #6 ... 80s puffy bangs with super long, dyed blonde, otherwise known as mall hair, rocks in a honky tonk. Men of a certain icky, slimy persuasion think you're hot.

Lesson #7 ... Men that are older than dirt find honky tonks fantastic places to practice lame pick-up lines. They also limber up their well-oiled hip replacements by grinding unmentionables on unsuspecting young, plaid-clad women.

Lesson #8 ... Belt buckles the size of dinner plates are acceptable for any gender. Rock em if ya got em.

Lesson #9 ... You can bring your dog to the honky tonk.

Lesson #10 ... Forget getting carded. Be prepared to have your purse checked presumably for small, but deadly weapons. I left mine back in my hotel room.

And there you go, folks. Ten lessons I've learned from vising a honky tonk.

Comments

Laurie said…
TOO FUNNY! Love this! Excellent evaluation of the evening. I think you should make a rubric for the future visits that we simply MUST make during our meetings to come.
Megan said…
Rubrics!!! I love it. Laura Martin said she is going to require a face to face meeting at the honky tonk! :)
Laurie said…
OR everyone get to the honky tonk of their choice and Skype. :) Excellent!
Anonymous said…
Lesson #1 You did not receive this dress code memo since you do not conduct your wardrobe shopping at Wal-Mart. A cutie pink cardigan with seed pearls and dress jeans fall under clothing lines that exceed the standard social class of Wal-Mart stock attire. Plaid is the “Versace” of Wal-Mart apparel.

Lesson #2 This is correct. Concealment of only nipples and areolas is simply recommended. Remaining exposed areas are free to enjoy the “night life”. However, this “night life” may also include dastardly acts of hickeys, tattoos, piercings, cigarette ash burns, etc. Many of which often end up as regrettable the morning after.

Note: this is not limited to just boobs. Bellies, lower backs, arms, legs and even the face also fall under this umbrella of recommended concealment.


Lesson #3 On a positive note, Drunk Girl is now capable of purchasing and downing more alcoholic beverages, contributing more to the economic stability of the honkey tonk establishment. Additionally, Drunk Girl adds an unexpected entertainment value to the venue, subsequently increasing the draw and popularity of the establishment.

Lesson #4 Blowing chunks may be deemed as a common event of such establishment (see previous Drunk Girl headline entertainment) and may have been waiting for a possible “domino effect” from said incident. However, if the rough-rider reputation of honky tonk bars is anywhere close to accurate, the often presence of other bodily items such as blood, hair, and teeth due to fights, mechanical bulls or the occasional mud wrestling event may decree vomit as “low priority.”

Lesson #5 Hence the apparently enormous sex-appeal of Tommy Lee (Heather Locklear, Pamela Anderson - it certainly isn’t his handsomeness)

Lesson #6 These men still think mullets are awesome too. These are also the same people that will camp outside a TicketMaster for front-row seats for the current KISS concert. ‘Nuff said.

Lesson #7 Due to the advanced age of these men, they apparently have “game” as well as the procedure down to a science. The pick-up lines and dance tactics have apparently succeeded for them in the past and you don’t jettison a successful tactic. Additionally, plaid-clad speaks volumes of the level of clothing the woman is willing to spend on when shopping at Wal-Mart, thus placing her in the upper echelon of target patrons.

Lesson #8 These are required to be large as they also double as ID. They also act as an “eye attractor” to the lower-torso, upper-crotch area of the body, thus feeding the illusion that the on-looker is “checking them out.”

Lesson #9 This is a loose interpretation. Quite often significant others or either gender also fall into this category. Due to potential discriminatory legal issues, the lawyers have required this to be fairly open-ended.

Lesson #10 You did not have your aforementioned “ID belt buckle” on. They were searching your purse to see if you had packed it in your purse or if you may have had your name embroidered on the outside of your wallet. This is the honky tonk version of “being carded.”

~Your favorite perv

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