Wednesday, March 30, 2011

On being sucked into the vortex

If you weren't aware ... some how missed the 18 million posts I made on the various social networking media ... if you some how took a nap and slept for the last six months ... I bought a house!

And apparently, when one buys a house, there is created a strong connection between buying said house and the amount of increased time one spends at Lowe's. I knew this peripherally ...

Actually, I just thought my dad, like so many men, got sucked into the vacuum that is the BIG. GIGANTIC. BOX. HARDWARE. and if they didn't have their level-headed wives there with them to drag them out by their rapidly receding hair, we'd lose them forever.

That was until I bought a house.

Did I mention that I bought a house?

Suddenly, simple, little projects explode into THIS. IS. A. MASSIVE. PAIN. IN. MY. BUTT! projects that suck what little cash reserves you have left with a loud, obnoxious, trying-to-get-the-last-little-bits-out-of-the-bottom-of-the-shake-glass sound.

I mean, it's a freakin' fluorescent "under the cupboard" light. What could possibly be complicated about that, right?

Famous. last. words.

Day #1-- Mistake #1 ... I eye-balled the length of the light bulb. How many years have I witnessed my father doing the same thing, and it never, ever turned out any other way but wrong!? And yet, there I was, eye-balling stuff I had no business eye-balling -- and the light bulb I landed upon was, as I found out when I had paid for it and got it home, too short.

I will say that while I was there at Lowe's, I did some serious eye-balling of a certain Cute Appliance Dude, who sold me my fridge and my stove and who helped me figure out my garage door opener, and who was generally very helpful, very friendly, and very nice ... and who was pretty easy on the eyes. And some where in this disorganized Bermuda Triangle I lovingly refer to as an office, I have his name ... and his work number. DO YOU THINK I CAN FIND IT? NO!!! This fact, in and of it's self, should be labeled, Mistake 1B.

Day #2 -- Mistake #2 ... I took the recently purchased, but too short light bulb back to Lowe's and set about getting the correct length. Oh, I was using the brain God gave me for something more than a hat rack this time, I was! I measured the light bulb. I just didn't bother to bring it with me. Heck! Being new to the Family of Lowe's and Suckers that Buy Houses -- did I mention that I bought a house? -- I didn't understand the protocol ... the rules. I didn't realize that I could actually BRING the old crap into the store to match it with the new stuff you're getting ready to spend oodles of money on. I should have known, however, I could do that ... seeing as two burly men were walking around Lowe's with their girlie dogs on pink leashes. Who brings dogs to Lowe's?

So, I had the measurement of the bulb I needed, only this time I didn't know what THICKNESS of bulb I needed. Yes! I said thickness. Some where, out there, a sadistic little man is hunched over a crystal ball, watching this all play out, and laughing maniacally.

Day #3 -- Mistake #3 ... I was under the false impression that if I brought the light bulb in AND the condenser/starter, I could buy all new, thus rendering the OLD, NASTY, CRAPPILY-MADE light fixture, new again. WRONG! Some guy, who happened to be hanging out with Cute Appliance Dude inaccurately deduced that there was a damsel in distress in the light bulb aisle. He was Old and Not So Cute Dude, and he sucked up any available time I might have had to eye-ball Cute Appliance Dude, who was hanging out at the end of the aisle, "straightening" stuff. And so there I was ... having to deal with this problem of a small home improvement project with ever so helpful Old and Not So Cute Dude.

Day #4 -- Mistake #4 ... I didn't listen to my inner voice three days and three mistakes ago ... the one that quietly urged me to "rip the stupid thing out from under the cupboard and send it flying into the garbage pile." I returned the condenser and light bulb and made my way BACK to the light bulb aisle, where all the little light bulbs now shivered in fear as I walked past. No seriously. I heard the soft tinkling of glass as they all began imploding in their packaging. It was sad.

I've decided two things:
  1. I will be buying a costly LED light bar for my next under the cupboard light. They last 25+ years.
  2. I will be making my way to the appliance department soon to "discuss" the possible purchase of a small freezer.

3 comments:

aprilk01 said...

So what you are saying is that it is not just men who get sucked into Lowe's.

Joyce said...

The old not so cute man in the light bulb isle, is my husband.

Megan said...

HA! Joyce, that wasn't your husband! I'd recognize him ... this guy was another dude. :)