CLOSURE
CLOSURE ... the following entry seems fitting in light of another year drawing to a close ...
He seemed nice enough, but was not the typical person I was interested in. In fact, two years ago, I was initially not at all interested in this particular guy -- what he represented to me. However, he made the first steps to get to know me, or so I thought, and what girl doesn't like being pursued if only a little bit?
I should have been suspicious from the get go ... he was younger than me ... he had some pretty significant professional commitments pending ... but it was fun. It was fun to get the emails from him, and it was fun to get the phone calls from him -- and before I knew what was happening, I was getting wrapped up in it all. That really should have been my first red flag because he said all the right things and gave me all the right answers. However, he never really let me in ... you know, the digging deeper part of getting to know someone better.
Then the second red flag ... I'd get lots of emails and phone calls, and then nothing. A dry spell ... and then another flurry of emails and phone calls ... and then nothing. With each flurry came a whole wad of excuses why there had been a lag, and placing myself in the role of martyr, I allowed him to get away with the excuses because he just seemed like a nice guy.
I could go on an on about the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I could start saying I blamed myself for a lot of the issues that ensued, and, maybe, a bit of it was my fault. However, I think it's pretty gutless to be told in an email that I just wasn't his cup of tea. It was hurtful in light of the fact that I should have been told in the phone conversation we'd had a week earlier ... especially when he informed me that he'd met someone else.
It should have stopped there. I should have been hurt, angry, and then left it. However, he said he still wanted to be friends ... [insert eye roll here]. Despite my better judgement, I continued to stay in contact with him, all the while reminding myself this was nothing more than friends. And, honestly, I was cool with that. Then a dozen roses came on Valentines Day, and I was once again flung into a spinning web of mixed messages and conflicting emotions.
Long story made semi-short, two months after the roses, and a long year of trying to figure the whole mess out, he once again emailed me to reiterate the fact that I was never going to be anything more to him than friends. He went on to explain that he was working on relationships with two other women besides me! In the words of a friend, he'd been a dirty, playin' dog!
So, why am I writing all of this ... a complete departure from my normal, every day drivel? Because I had a revelation ... an epiphany of sorts.
I've often wondered why I would be put into the path of a person that would treat me so poorly ... and furthermore, I've wondered why I would allow myself to be treated so poorly. The epiphany I've had is so clear: He is a player ... a selfish individual that really only cares for his own feelings. If he had been more than that, he might have had the decency to be up front with me. I was, as that same friend told me later, his backup plan. Furthermore, there are two other women that he gave no consideration to. I don't know where they are in the whole grand scheme of things today, but I wonder if they know they'd been played too?
Here's the deal, and the second half of my epiphany: I am no one's back up plan. I am not to be played, and I won't be toyed with.
Sometimes, I wished I'd been a bit meaner in my final email to him. I wished I'd told him what I really thought of him when I had the chance. I took the moral high ground, and I backed away with my dignity intact, I'd hoped.
He sometimes enters my mind, and up to this point, it's always been with some degree of resentment that he was running around somewhere playing on the emotions of other females. Now, though, I just feel sorry for him ... and for the others that were caught up in his ... I don't even know what you would call it ... his selfishness?
Why am I writing this? Writing has always been a release for me ... a way to let loose emotions. I suppose, putting into words what bugs me, is a way to put closure on certain items in my life. I've come to realize, as significant or insignificant as this part of my life was, it didn't have closure. It's time now for that closure ... I may have stooped low for this one, but oh well. The high ground isn't always what it's cracked up to be, and we all need to be a bit immature every once in a while anyway!
He seemed nice enough, but was not the typical person I was interested in. In fact, two years ago, I was initially not at all interested in this particular guy -- what he represented to me. However, he made the first steps to get to know me, or so I thought, and what girl doesn't like being pursued if only a little bit?
I should have been suspicious from the get go ... he was younger than me ... he had some pretty significant professional commitments pending ... but it was fun. It was fun to get the emails from him, and it was fun to get the phone calls from him -- and before I knew what was happening, I was getting wrapped up in it all. That really should have been my first red flag because he said all the right things and gave me all the right answers. However, he never really let me in ... you know, the digging deeper part of getting to know someone better.
Then the second red flag ... I'd get lots of emails and phone calls, and then nothing. A dry spell ... and then another flurry of emails and phone calls ... and then nothing. With each flurry came a whole wad of excuses why there had been a lag, and placing myself in the role of martyr, I allowed him to get away with the excuses because he just seemed like a nice guy.
I could go on an on about the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I could start saying I blamed myself for a lot of the issues that ensued, and, maybe, a bit of it was my fault. However, I think it's pretty gutless to be told in an email that I just wasn't his cup of tea. It was hurtful in light of the fact that I should have been told in the phone conversation we'd had a week earlier ... especially when he informed me that he'd met someone else.
It should have stopped there. I should have been hurt, angry, and then left it. However, he said he still wanted to be friends ... [insert eye roll here]. Despite my better judgement, I continued to stay in contact with him, all the while reminding myself this was nothing more than friends. And, honestly, I was cool with that. Then a dozen roses came on Valentines Day, and I was once again flung into a spinning web of mixed messages and conflicting emotions.
Long story made semi-short, two months after the roses, and a long year of trying to figure the whole mess out, he once again emailed me to reiterate the fact that I was never going to be anything more to him than friends. He went on to explain that he was working on relationships with two other women besides me! In the words of a friend, he'd been a dirty, playin' dog!
So, why am I writing all of this ... a complete departure from my normal, every day drivel? Because I had a revelation ... an epiphany of sorts.
I've often wondered why I would be put into the path of a person that would treat me so poorly ... and furthermore, I've wondered why I would allow myself to be treated so poorly. The epiphany I've had is so clear: He is a player ... a selfish individual that really only cares for his own feelings. If he had been more than that, he might have had the decency to be up front with me. I was, as that same friend told me later, his backup plan. Furthermore, there are two other women that he gave no consideration to. I don't know where they are in the whole grand scheme of things today, but I wonder if they know they'd been played too?
Here's the deal, and the second half of my epiphany: I am no one's back up plan. I am not to be played, and I won't be toyed with.
Sometimes, I wished I'd been a bit meaner in my final email to him. I wished I'd told him what I really thought of him when I had the chance. I took the moral high ground, and I backed away with my dignity intact, I'd hoped.
He sometimes enters my mind, and up to this point, it's always been with some degree of resentment that he was running around somewhere playing on the emotions of other females. Now, though, I just feel sorry for him ... and for the others that were caught up in his ... I don't even know what you would call it ... his selfishness?
Why am I writing this? Writing has always been a release for me ... a way to let loose emotions. I suppose, putting into words what bugs me, is a way to put closure on certain items in my life. I've come to realize, as significant or insignificant as this part of my life was, it didn't have closure. It's time now for that closure ... I may have stooped low for this one, but oh well. The high ground isn't always what it's cracked up to be, and we all need to be a bit immature every once in a while anyway!
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